Lady Gaga is a fucking parasite
I don't think I'm a smug guy, but sometimes I feel like the smartest person in the room.
And sometimes, I feel like the smartest person on the planet.
This happens when I get an inane text message that says "Ga, ga, rah, rah, rah."
This happens when people play "Bad Romance" out during their DJ sets, under the impression that the song is "good." It is not.
And this happens when artists that I grew up with perform horrible covers of "Poker Face" for no reason other than pure irony and digitally boosting their falling popularity.
It's the atrocious production values, the terrible off-key vocals that hiccup between half-octaves more often than Republicans filibuster legislation in Congress and idiotic lyrics that make Sarah Palin look like a Fullbright Scholar that make Lady Gaga a disease that is tarnishing not only pop music, but America's culture at large.
I'm not going to pretend like I understand the lowest common denominator of musical taste, but here's an in-depth look at Lady Gaga's suckitude.
Why she sucks
Lady Gaga is not so much a person, but a Rossum corporation like science experiment that combines all the worst parts of Madonna, Cher, Pat Benetar and Cyndi Lauper, which is strategically (and disgustingly) held together by Perez Hilton's excess cholesterol. For tweens who grew up without experiencing all this artists, Gaga might appear fresh - but children of the early to mid '80s should know better. On her own, Gaga's music contains zero percent originality and lacks an ounce of musical credibility.
The only "unique" thing about Gaga is the fact that her hairstyle and makeup look like they were painted on by a rhesus monkey with a severe learning disability - and I'd hardly call that a plus.
I can't even speak coherently about her music without chaining into a string of violent epithets. It is among some of the worst shit I have ever heard in my life, and should be used alongside Metallica and Eminem to torture prisoners of war.
I can, however, quote some insanely stupid lyrics! Observe, from "Alejandro!"
You know that I love you boy
Hot like Mexico, rejoice
At this point I gotta choose
Nothing to lose
VOMIT.
Russ actually corrected me on this song title, which I originally grabbed off MetroLyrics. This is because Russ is actually a teenage girl.
Gaga versus other artists
Let's take a brief look at Gaga versus some other mainstream pop artists of the past few years, and see who wins. Keep in mind that by in large, this is silly: comparing all these pop stars is like trying to find the best used Kia - they're all pure shit. Except for Kylie (see more.)
Gaga vs. Britney - Britney, probably by more than you'd think
Musically speaking, they're both crap - but (and I can't believe I'm saying this) Britney's got more diversity, distinction, and talent. And do you remember the wave of videos that Britney helped spawn because they wanted to dance just like her? Those were absurd! Even in terms of media scandal, Britney's sexual escapades were far more entertaining than Gaga's little nub-nub.
Gaga vs. Kylie - Kylie, and it isn't even close
In a way, Gaga aspires to be Kylie Minogue in the worst way. But she lacks all of the key elements that make Kylie successful (musical ability, catchy songs, able to song on pitch, general cuteness, a banging body at 42). The only way Gaga would win this battle would be via a Quantum Leap.
Gaga vs. Beyonce - tie.
Between the two of them, they've got enough facial grease to create a slip-and-slide that would cover McCarren Park. Ew.
Is there hope for Gaga?
Musically, there's no hope for Gaga until doctors craft a surgical procedure that will strip human vocal chords of "all the bad." However, there is a way where Gaga can redeem herself for all the atrocities that she has committed upon pop culture, and that is through the universe of politics.
The last time we had a truly politically influential pop star, it was Bono. And before his power and relevance dropped off the face of the planet, he decided to reconstruct the fucking Berlin Wall. Okay, maybe he's not a great example.
But Gaga could use her power over malleable youth for good, by encouraging them to vote for the political causes she allies herself with. By taking politics, she could do what Al Gore and so many others have failed to do: get the youth vote out.
If she did that, it would make up for how horrible her music is. Almost. Personally, I think we're better off waiting for the next big piece of crap (Ke$ha?) to knock her off her throne. Hopefully it'll happen sooner rather than later.
I'm with CoCo, but I'm against GaGa.
And you should be too.
bad music, gagagarbage, plz save amerikuh 
Reader Comments (11)
Actually, the truth is a lot worse than you've been led to believe. The thing is that yes, she is a total product and her music has got to be written-by-comittee trash, but the front person underneath it all? She actually has real talent.
This was Lady Gaga as early as 2008:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NM51qOpwcIM
There is absolutely NO WAY that this person could have become the Lady Gaga we know now barring 1) a mental breakdown and/or 2) desperation to play the Major Record Labels game.
I hope at some point someone performs the journalistic investigation on Lady Gaga to uncover the source of retardation behind this music once and for all. I'm sure it's a rather tragic story.
As Catherine Tate would say, What a load of old shit. I have been a Kylie fan since the 80s, but Gaga is far more talented musically. Kylie doesn't play any instruments, doesn't writer her songs, adds nothing but her voice and persona to the music given to her. The imagery from her videos and stage show is created by a team of people. Gaga is not aspiring to be Kylie Minogue. She's borrowed from plenty of other artists, but Kylie isn't one of them. What a lame jump to conclusion.
While Gaga might have reinvented herself from a piano bar songstress into a pastiche of glam 70s/overly-concepted 80s, Madonna has been doing this for years without as much vitriol coming from this piece of "writing." Can't speak coherently about Gaga's music? Can't speak coherently period. This isn't music journalism, criticism or reporting. It's just pop culture whining. Get a grip, Ben, and go jerk off to another Kylie video. If this is the kinda shit posting at Soldout, consider me an ex-contributor.
Ke$ha is the future of music. Bet on it. She's the second coming of Martika, Tiffany and Stacey Q all rolled into one. So that's at least three hits, or three and half if you count Stacey's "Two of Hearts" and "I Need You" as the same song -- which I do. What a fucking liberty.
If you're gonna tie Beyoncé with Gaga, I require an explanation.
Beyoncé is to Gaga as Aguilera is to Spears. Beyoncé wll be the one still selling records in her old age, because she has a real voice and doesn't need to drive with her baby in her lap or wear a red lace Fredericks of Hollywood face hat to get people to notice her.
Hey Collin? While I don't think this was the best researched article, if you have a problem with Lady GaGa being called a parasite, then I really do hope that you never contribute here again. GaGa's music is cheap and horrible through and through, and I seriously doubt the musical taste of anyone that thinks she's interesting.
I have to laugh a little bit here. I couldn't anticipate people getting this upset over fucking Lady Gaga for crying out loud. Is she really worth it? People are blindly defending her like hellbent al Qaeda terrorists - which might be worth its own piece.
I was actually having a bit of a laugh voxbaryton, but now that you mention it -- this IS poorly researched, not to mention the lack of context. There's nothing but vitriol and hate for the artist, and some fanboy grasping to compare her to Kylie. Ben is welcome to hate Gaga all he likes, call her a parasite, etc. but if he's going to do it, at least try to make it credible.
As for for the transformation from Stefani Germanotta to Lady Gaga, you make it sound like a Kennedy assassination conspiracy. I can give you a list as long as my arm of artists (and bands) who have transformed from one kind of artist into another to make an impact and synch themselves with the current musical taste.
Try these on: Fleetwood Mac (from a cult blues band in the UK to rock superstars in the space of one album - and the addition of Stevie NIcks and Lindsey Buckingham); David Bowie (no explanation necessary), Madonna (every year or so), Everything but the Girl (folk pop to trip-hop/dance darlings). The list goes on and on. Gaga is doing nothing that hasn't been done before. What's there to investigate?
Re: "I can give you a list as long as my arm of artists (and bands) who have transformed from one kind of artist into another to make an impact and synch themselves with the current musical taste."
True, hadn't looked at it this way. Chris Corner as IAMX is another great example.
I guess there's something to be said for a transformation that is more art/performance than making a fat girl skinny enough for TV or an ugly boy pretty enough for Teen Beat magazine.
But her music still sucks, IMHO.
And while I do love Bey, I thought her performance last night at The Grammy's was a yawn. What was with all the dancers and no dancing? And why "You Oughta Know" in the middle of it. Didn't get that performance at all. And while I love Pink, her suspended from a Cirque du Soleil diaper while appearing to piss on herself didn't move me and the Taylor Swift train wreck (Where's Kanye when you REALLY need him?) that even Stevie Nicks couldn't save was embarrassing.
That leaves Gaga and Elton John (who went through several transformations himself before he came a soft rock grandpa) as giving the most interesting performance of the evening. Unless you count Roberta Flack's frozen face and mangy wig.
fuck i so agree with u..gaga is horrible..
Yes, Lady Gaga has outragous outfits & bleach blond hair but underneth it it all she has talent y'know?
First and formost, She's got talent if you don't look at her nd just listen to the first minute and a half of her preformance durring the Grammys on CBS she's actually pretty good. Not onely that but she shares many traits of thoes who are legends.