PICKLEGATE: A disturbing look into the minds of Nickelback fans
Lead assclown Chad Kroeger of the doucheplatoon Nickelback is crying in a corner somewhere.
Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush have inspired ire across Facebook, but it is nothing compared to the 1.4 million people who have joined the Facebook group "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickelback?". The group met its goal last week, and currently has a few thousand more fans than Canada's worst export.
Nickelback is upset because this embarrassment has transcended Facebook. Billboard, Heavy and New York Magazine have all made note of Nickelback's fan page brutalization. The incident is already marked as a permanent blemish on the band's Wikipedia page.
What's even more interesting, however, is a Facebook message allegedly from Chad Kroeger claiming that the group has two weeks to digitally thrive before the social network shuts it down. If this is true, this is incredibly weaksauce on the part of Facebook, as it makes a significant step toward quashing what remains of freedom of speech on the network.
When I attempted to mine additional comments from the Nickelback Facebook discussion board (a.k.a, the Lowest Common Denominator), I discovered that the account administrators had removed the tab. When I used my history to try and gain direct access to the discussion board, I was immediately taken back to Nickelback's wall. Someone's really salty right now- and it goes beyond the sodium content of our hero's brine.
The most disturbing thing about this whole meme is the insight we are given into the mind of Nickelback fans. As mentioned, I've collected some of the best responses from fans and haters alike. Like this fine young gentleman, for instance. If you expected seething hatred, retardation and backward logic from Nickelback fans, here you go:
But it's not all bad! Just as the pickle inspires rage in Nickelback fans, it also has the power of healing. The pickle brings families together, and mends together bonds that were once broken. Just like an episode of Family Matters.
The only possible conclusion that this user can come up as to why so many people hate Nickelback? Men are simply jealous of Chad Kroeger's sexy look. Personally, I think he looks like an lobotomized Fabio who saw Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon, but to each his or her own. Incoming!
I've truly saved the best for last - because there are so many things that are absolutely bewildering about the next six sentences. Behold.
Over the coming weeks, we'll see if the page is actually taken down - and what it could possibly mean for tin foil hat-wearing poodles & Glenn Beck; and cute pugs & Cold Cave.
Ben
Reader Comments (2)
Good job not recognizing the obvious sarcasm/satire in 2 of the 5 comments you posted as supposedly being authored by Nickleback "fans". You're several layers behind in the irony wars that are going on in that facebook group. Maybe you should brush up before you actually look for a paying writing job somewhere.
nice job beating NPR to the punch here: http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2010/03/poodle_glenn_beck_facebook.html?sc=fb&cc=fp
ra ra ga ga ga. ;-)